SHREW SHADOW (Try saying that five times fast, withOUT sounding like Al Michaels)
Well, did he, or did he not see his shadow? Day6art phones have been ringing relentlessly with questions regarding Groundmole Day results. As with all information disseminated from this platform, the answer will be delivered in a manner that exhibits the finest display of brevity. My massive audience deserves no less.
I’d like to begin by expressing my sincerest gratitude to those that made this groundbreaking event possible.
Obviously, we couldn’t have held a Groundmole’s Day celebration without an American Shrew. For this, we have to thank Mr. and Mrs. Shrew for taking time out of their busy schedules to conceive our guest of honor. I’d include photos, but this is a family blog.
Next, I’d like to thank the committee that made the decision to use the American Shrew as the replacement for the groundhog. As my previous blog mentioned, this was no easy decision, and came with mounds of deliberation.
Finally, I’d like to thank me. Thank you, Paul, for having the courage to unseat the overrated rodent of lore, and place in its stead, a new, well deserving specie. One with characteristics we’d all love our own dear children to aspire to. I blush.
Perhaps it is now time to share the results of the first annual, sure to be a classic , off the charts, manically mesmerizing moment of monumental mention.
My manager says its too soon.
So, let me take this opportunity to make a brief announcement regarding our soon to be sponsor, Mountain Dew. Even though I deserve an ENORMOUS pile of credit for the success of this company, they seem incapable of extending even a wee (pun intended) amount of grace to this blog’s author. Dew to the last minute creation of the Groundmole’s Day holiday, we were not able to obtain advertising for the event. Since shrews are appreciated most for the lovely tunnels and mountains of dirt they sculpt, Mountain Dew became an obvious choice as an advertiser. Negotiations are already in the works for Feb. 2, 2019.
My manager now thinks I’m stalling. I find that appalling, and more than a little galling, stalling,…
Ok. So the first, and quite possibly final Groundmole’s Day celebration did NOT occur without a hitch. How was I to know these little lawn wreckers have poor eye sight? When the grand moment came, and the shrew slithered from its tunnel, it couldn’t have seen its shadow if it was high noon! When asked to try again, and again, with the media all present to capture the moment of grandeur, the shrew was not able to see its shadow, or its claws, or its nose. That’s supposed to be good news. It is SUPPOSED to signal less than 6 weeks of winter remain. Apparently, a “claws” in the official Groundmole bylaws states in no uncertain terms, “If the vermin is unable to detect its own shadow, the action is to be reviewed in the replay booth.” So, the official went under the review tent for an awkward amount of time to peruse the video. At precisely 7:25 a.m., the official was lifted from the tent and made the following announcement. “Hear ye, hear ye…. blah, blah, blah, prognostication….. Though the American Shrew did NOT see his shadow, the replay official sadly did… Six more weeks of winter.”
Don’t kill the messenger. You MIGHT consider killing the shrew, however. I understand they actually make a variety of instruments to accomplish such a task.